Rishi Sunak’s Summer Holiday Diary

Being the British Prime Minister is the best job in the world but also one of the busiest! 

Whether sorting out Nigel Farage’s banking issues, promising to fix all the things we’ve broken over the last 13 years, whipping up hatred against asylum seekers or making sure that everyone knows that my parents once worked for the ‘NHS’ (Go NHSers!) that leaves little opportunity for some quality family time.

Which is why, earlier this summer I made five pledges to the wife and kids (aka the Sunakateers) to spend some ‘Rishi time’ together in the Sun…. with accompanying photographer and a PR friendly splash over three pages!

Like millions of ordinary, hard-working, British billionaire families in a cost-of-living crisis it can be hard to make it look like you are having to juggle the finances for a summer holiday. So instead of renting a Carribean Island, we slummed it and flew business class (yikes!) on a commercial jet to our £5 million holiday home in Santa Monica – promising to make it up to the traumatised kids later.

With the dogs checked in to the adjacent pet spa – pledge one had been achieved!

Taking the Mickey

Pledge Two was to visit Disneyland! I was particularly excited about this as there’s a whole The Star Wars attraction there and for years my official website has been telling everyone who clicks it that I’m a massive fan! 

Having posed for photos with the stars of the show, including Hand Solo and a man dressed as Darth Rebekah Vardy, we tried to get on the Grizzly River Run, only for an attendant to tell me to ‘come back when you’ve grown a few inches.’

I was about to get a little bit cross when one of the girls said:

“Dad – we’ve kept these rictus grins up for 24 hours, don’t ruin it now.” 

And so we repaired to 21 Royal, a great little burger joint hidden behind the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction! Later media claims that it’s the most expensive restaurant in the US and that meals can set customers back $15,000 are very silly indeed, as it cost this family of four almost half as much as that!  

Pledge Two – delivered!

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Otto English

Stop the Yachts

Pledge Three saw us facing a ‘small boat crisis of our own’ when it turned out that the yacht we had hired to do some whale watching had just six en suite cabins! 

“But where will my personal assistant shower?” Mrs. Sunak sobbed, as I told her firmly that we would simply have to make the best of it all because this is how ordinary people (just like us) live!   

As we tried to tackle our lobster bisque in slightly choppy water while juggling bathrooms between domestic and personal staff, it struck me that we were having a powerful insight into the sort of challenges our brave men and women in the Royal Navy face every single day. But more importantly, even than that – pledge four had been delivered and I told the kids as much.

“What do you mean, pledge four?” The oldest demanded “you’ve only delivered three pledges!”

“Aha!” I shot back “but what you don’t realise is that while I’ve been here, inflation has dropped by one seventeenth of a percent, meaning that YOUR pocket money is now worth more than when we arrived!”

The following morning, news reached us that ‘Olive’ (Deputy PM Oliver Dowden) had mixed up the nuclear trigger codes and his Amazon account number and amid fears that he was either going to lock himself out of Prime or blow-up Belgium, we returned home ahead of schedule.

PM’s Coming Home

Back in the UK – I was very much aware that the pressure was on to deliver the final pledge – the one I had been keeping secret from the girls – and that was an ‘England’ victory in the soccer world cup. To that end I posed in pubs with ordinary folks, thrust my arm in the air and made sure that I was wearing the correct rugger jumper on the day!

I’m a huge soccer fan and I was so proud of our lads, but it was not to be!

Obviously, the girls were bitterly disappointed that we didn’t get enough tries or wickets to make it through this time but as I said to them afterwards “it really isn’t about winning or losing, it’s more about not looking like you’re losing when you very clearly are. And more importantly – I delivered!”

All of this was too much for the girls.

“But you didn’t ‘deliver’ did you, Dad. Not on any of your so-called pledges. You’ve spun, lied and prevaricated and at the end of the day failed to achieve anything at all.”

Kids! So, like the electorate.