Ahead of ballots going out in the Tory leadership race, Otto English has been leaked a draft of Rishi Sunak’s pitch to Conservative members

Dear Fellow Normal Conservative Human Beings!

Or as I like to put it “Hi Guys!”

Wow. Well, here I am – just an average, ordinary billionaire standing before you, asking you to elect me to be Conservative Party Leader.

First up – let me tell you guys about this guy. 

Well, the first thing to know about me – and I cannot stress this enough, is that I’m just a regular bloke. When I was a kid my Mum ran a Chemist’s shop and Dad was a simple GP, working all day to make enough money to send me to Winchester College. 

There’s been a lot of nonsense made up by my frenemies (and Liz, I’m not blaming you but we all know who I mean Liz) about my school being ‘independent’ or ‘private’ but in fact if you Yahoo Search Engine! you’ll see that is FAKE NEWS. 

Winchester, you see, is a ‘public school’ for the ‘public’ and just like the kind you guys went to. 

Although admittedly with far more interesting people attending it!

Yes, sure, there were some baronets and earls there but equally, there were loads of perfectly normal guys there, like myself, whose parents had to work in the pharmacy shops that they owned to pay the fees.

That’s why I backed Brexit. All that doom and gloom and Project Fear about what a disaster it would be! I knew I’d be alright and – you know what – I was!

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My ‘Mum and Dad’ (as I call them, just like any ordinary son) made huge sacrifices to ensure that I could attend this perfectly average school (founded in 1382, fees £45,936). We rarely went on holiday more than three or four times a year and while all my mates were being driven about in Bentleys we made do with our silly two-year-old Mercedes (practically ‘vintage’ as I used to joke to my chums over our tuck boxes!!).

‘Mum’ was often too busy to use the car because she was a pharmacist, who ran a pharmacy shop just like other normal pharmacists across Britain who run and own their own pharmacy shops. Which is what my ‘Mum’ did as a pharmacist.

Sometimes I helped ‘Mum’ in the pharmacy shop that she ran and owned. I would put pills in bottles and even talk to some of the ordinary folks, just like you and me, who came into the pharmacy that my mum worked in and owned.

Once I briefly had a job as a waiter. In truth, I can’t remember much about it but I do remember my ‘Dad’ saying: “Rishi it’s worth it for a night or two because one day you might want to sound like a normal person one day.”

Ms Dorries Goes to the Barricades

Otto English

I was lucky enough to get into Oxford University! WOW! Yes – a guy like me fresh out of Winchester making it to those ivory towers. And from there – just like lots of other guys I managed to get a job in a perfectly ordinary investment bank.

Those were wild days. I was often to be found sharing a laugh with the other lads around the water cooler, talking about the latest soccer game fixtures or perhaps a recent instalment of the long-running Eastenders Soap Opera show!

Eventually, I met my wife and we settled down to normal family life. I’ll be honest, being married to someone only marginally richer than the Queen has its problems. Sometimes you forget which house you left your favourite shoes in, or which tennis court needs resurfacing or which swimming pool needs a lick of paint! 

But you also get the great privilege to spend time with working class ‘servants’ who can give you some incredible insights into what it’s like to take a bus, or drink a pint of ale, or to eat ‘smushy peas’ in a ‘fish and chips’ shop.

I was called to politics because I wanted to give something back. That’s why I backed Brexit. All that doom and gloom and Project Fear about what a disaster it would be! I knew I’d be alright and – you know what – I was!

As a politician, I had the great privilege of leading this country’s economy through the pandemic and stabbing Boris Johnson in the back. And we had an awful lot of fun coming up with photo ops and catchy slogans along the way! 

Politics can be a rough game and I just want to say that I think Liz Truss is great. Whoever wins – Britain will be better off than at any time in the last disastrous 12 years – but for the sake of us all – let’s pray to God that it’s not Liz Truss. The woman’s an incompetent mess.

Thanks Guys and get READY for Rish!

RISHI

Coming soon – Liz Truss’ Pitch Perfect Pitch for PM

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