Googlies for Global Britain
Otto English has been leaked the first draft of the list of trade envoys suggested by International Trade Secretary Liz Truss. Byline Times cannot guarantee its authenticity
Since leaving the failing EU with its pitiful $15 trillion worth of GDP, it has fallen to me to make sure that Global Britain finds trading partners in the rest of the world – partners who know the words to Rule, Britannia! and who drive on the left; who don’t smell faintly of garlic or look down their noses at us and ask awkward questions about things we don’t understand; who were once our inferiors, living happily under the jackboot – sorry ‘benign eye’ – of British Imperialism and who will thus roll over immediately and do what we jolly well tell them.
To that end, we’ve appointed some trade envoys – tasked with getting out there and getting British business on the move!
Lord Ian Botham – Australia
People have heard of Ian Botham because he was once a famous cricket player. That makes him perfect material to be a trade envoy!
Ian tells me: “I know f**k all about trade and I hate Australians in their stupid corked hats. But I do have a wine business in the Barossa Valley so it’ll be nice to be able to pop over a couple of times a year at taxpayers’ expense and visit my vineyards and meet some mates for a barbie. But don’t ask me about numbers. I do this on the condition I don’t have to understand numbers.”
Kate Hoey – Ghana
During her years in the House of Commons, Kate became one of Britain’s best-loved MPs. Now, she is going to take her talents to the world as trade envoy to Ghana.
“I’ve never been to South America before and I don’t speak Spanish,” Kate says. “But I do have enormous respect for Alpacas. I don’t know what Ghana sells to us because I’ve been blocked by Ask Jeeves! after losing my temper with it after asking them repeatedly if leaving the EU was a good idea. What do you mean ‘try Google’? What’s Google?”
I feel confident that Kate will make all the difference to the balance sheets of the nation!
Daniel Kawczynski MP – Mongolia
Few current MPs for Shrewsbury and Atcham are as respected in the immediate Shrewsbury and Atcham area as Dan Kawczynski. Dan is going to add value to our trade with Mongolia.
Speaking down the line, he tells me: “UK exports to Mongolia are worth a whopping £24 million a year! That’s a mind-blowing sum. Think of how many chocolate Twix bars you could buy with £24 million. When you consider that we were selling £14 billion worth of goods to the EU, you can see that we were missing a trick here.
“What do you mean that makes no sense? It’s a difference of TEN isn’t it?! Think about it! Fourteen – 24. It’s TEN. TAKE OUT YOUR ABACUS, TRUSS. TEN. WHAT DO YOU MEAN DO BETTER THAN THAT? Are you trying to make me sound stupid or something?”
ED: You sure about this, Otto? Sounds very unlikely.
OE: I couldn’t believe it either. But it stands up.
Dominic Cummings – Antarctica
We are delighted to announce that the Prime Minister’s former chief advisor has been appointed trade envoy to Antarctica. Trade with the continent is currently valued at nothing and Dominic hopes that, with time and effort, he will be able to double that.
“On 3 August 2021 at 2.36 pm, I was approached – through the medium of the WhatsApp social messaging platform – by the incompetent Trade Minister Liz Truss,” Dom tells me. “I was wary of replying because the variance of bi-lateral operational planning required for such an appointment might get in the way of my plans to reconstruct the Civil Service on a fully automated microsecond scale informed by the thinking of Diogenes and the principles of Thucydidean, evidence-based research. I also had a lot of ironing to do and my DVDs to order.
“If you want to understand what’s going on read my blog. It’s all in the blog. The blog is key to unlocking the universe and the secrets of dark matter, string theory – every theory.
“P.S. Will I get to meet penguins? Because I like penguins.”
ED: This, and the next three might need some corroboration.
OE: I’m working on it. Here’s a link to a reputable source.
Baroness Claire Fox – North Korea
Lady Fox of Hypocria – beloved of the Tory heartlands and key ally to Boris Johnson in the House of Lords – is to be our trade envoy to Pyong-Yang.
Claire tells me: “Listen Comrade, first up it’s Lady Fox to you – got that? Second, shut up and listen. I speak for the people of this country right – not you – not anyone else. ME.
“I voted Brexit to destroy the establishment. To destroy people like you and put people like me in your place. And it worked. Gone are the old order and in their place we have me and my fellow peers in the House of Lords. Comrade Boris Johnson did that because he knows I speak for millions of ordinary Britons who support me and I know that because I tell myself it every single night as I drift off to sleep.
“Those people want us to be doing more trade with the North Korean Government and less with stupid countries like Germany. Why should we be driving VWs or Audis and eating nice food when we could be riding about in tractors and bulldozers from the Kŭmsŏng Tractor Factory in Pyongyang and being utterly miserable and sad.
“Think about it muppets and don’t answer back.”
Timmy Mallett – America
Former children’s TV presenter Timmy Mallett is to become our trade envoy to Washington representing British interests in the second-largest UK export market.
“Waaaaaaayhaaaaaayyyyyy!” Timmy says. “Are you awake wackadayers? Wake up Sleepy Joe I’ve got a trade deal for ya! BOOOM! BANG Yackety Yack! Waaaayhaaaaaayyy.”
Jacob Rees-Mogg MP – Vatican
The UK’s best known Catholic, Jacob will be taking our trade mission to the Vatican, hoping to increase Britain’s important wafer, cassocks, incense, and crook exports in an increasingly competitive market.
Jacob tells me: “Nisi Dominus aedificaverit dumum, in vanum laboraverunt qui aedificant eam. De profunduis clamavi ad te, Domine; Domine exaudi vocuem meam.”
He adds: “I have absolutely no idea what that means but I’m sure it will sound impressive to people who went to secondary moderns and that’s the main thing!”
So there you have it Britain! They said it couldn’t be done! They said we were mad to leave the EU and strike out on our own! They said people would laugh at us!
WELL? Who’s laughing now?