Otto English has got his hands on Boris Johnson’s successor’s inaugural speech as PM…

The reign of Terror is Ended – the Age of Truss is About to Begin

I stand before you now as your Prime Minister. 

With a bold vision for the country and a bold vision for our economy, which consists entirely of me saying the words ‘bold’ and ‘vision’ repeatedly.

I stand before you with adjectives and the sort of business-speak terms you hear Lord Sugar say on the Apprentice, and I will keep repeating them until you realise that I am a serious person who sounds impressive.

I believe in this country. I believe the children are our future. I believe in Santa Claus and I believe I can fly.

I believe too that while our history is something to be immensely proud of, there are better days ahead for me personally, if not for everyone else.

I think my track record speaks for itself. 

Whether posing for photos on the official Government Instagram account, or saying the words ‘pork markets’ suggestively, or negotiating trade deals with New Zealand that benefit Kiwi farmers – while bankrupting our own – I have already made the Brexit I never believed in work for me. 

My trade deal with Japan means that the £100,000 worth of cheese that we sell in that country will be tariff-free by 2033. And while the Japanese are selling billions of pounds worth of their cars into our market on the same terms, our cheese farmers will be rejoicing. As they say in Japan, ‘sushi!’ 

On the campaign trail people have often asked me ‘what do you really stand for Liz?’ – to which my answer is: ‘tell me what you believe in and then I will tell you the same thing back again in slightly different words.’ I am a woman of principles. Other people’s principles. And if you don’t like them, just tell me and I’ll change them to what you think instead. 

On one issue I remain resolute. I will stand firm against those who threaten our peace and security – and no I’m not talking about Putin but ‘wokery’. Too many people in this country don’t fly flags over their homes or stand for the national anthem when it plays on GB News. Worst of all, they talk about nasty things like slavery. I will not allow the truth of our history to spoil the one we all believe in! And I stand before you now determined to get positive headlines in the Sun and Daily Mail

Be reassured too that, if the time ever came to order a nuclear strike, then I would not hesitate to do it – even if it meant a few weeks of mild discomfort in my official nuclear bunker in an undisclosed location until it was safe to come out. Some things are worth sacrificing for our freedom and believe me when I say I am quite happy to sacrifice you.

But it’s now time for the serious bit. [Big pause. Solemn face].

We have huge challenges ahead as a country. Many of you will be concerned about your winter fuel bills, your healthcare, jobs, security, your children’s educations, and your own livelihoods. I know that many of you will be worried – desperately worried – about the coming months. But be reassured that by me saying ‘I love my country’ and ‘I want the best for us all’ then everything will magically be resolved. 

When Margaret Thatcher came to power in 1979, she quoted the words of the prayer of St Francis of Assisi saying, ‘where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith’. I would like to end with a quote of my own, by Keith Harris, which I think is very apt right now:

Nothing that you can say
Will change how I feel today:
I know that we’ll never part;
Now hear what I’m saying, Orville?
Who is your very best friend?

You are
I’m gonna help you
mend your broken heart.

God Save the Queen!

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