‘Dear King Donald the Magnificent’ – A Letter From One Troubled Monarch to Another

As the UK considers how to approach relations with America under Donald Trump, one suggestion is to take advantage of Trump’s admiration for the Royal Family, in hopes of being spared from some of his most hostile actions against foreign states, including on tariffs.  

To that end, I believe a splendid start could be made if King Charles wrote a letter of welcome to his fellow Head of State. It could go something like this:

“To His Majesty, King Donald The Magnificent of America, Prince of Mar-a-Lago, Lord of Social Media, Protector of the People (white, male), Defender of the Faith (Evangelicals only),  and Persecutor of Immigrants.   

“To my Royal Brother, Greetings. I trust that you, Melania, Ivanka and the other ladies of your court are well.  

“Congratulations on your magnificent accomplishment in restoring the Monarchy to its rightful place in America. I always believed this day would come, even though it did take a few decades longer than many of us expected. I am so pleased that your people have at last come to realise the error of their ways, and voted to abandon their unfortunate Republican experiment.  

“As you know, modern Monarchies are a little different from olden times. Unfortunately, we can no longer send people to the Tower and chop off their heads if they disobey us. But I approve of your administration’s decision to reinstate the death penalty with a vengeance. I am sure you will find plenty of reasons to find people guilty of treason and have them locked up for life, or executed.  

“Many more people may find themselves wanting to go into exile after a few years of your rule. You might need that border wall you keep talking about in order to stop everyone leaving. Ha, Ha, just my little joke! 

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“These days most of us are still beholden to our Parliaments – except a lucky few, like the King of Thailand, or King of Saudi Arabia. (I must say, Prince Mohammed Bin Salman has played a blinder in becoming the de facto ruler of that kingdom, even while his father is still alive, something I unfortunately never managed to accomplish during my time as Prince of Wales. You’d better watch young Barron). I congratulate you for managing to bring most Members of Congress to heel, too craven and divided to offer you any meaningful resistance. What will you do in the mid-terms, if Democrats take back control of the House or Senate. Will you even still hold mid-terms if there is any risk of the Democrats taking over?  

“I find the biggest frustration with my job is having to defer to our Prime Minister, and be guided by him at all times. Our Prime Minister is able to claim legitimacy through being elected to Parliament, though that also makes him more vulnerable to being thrown out, if he fails to deliver for “the people”. I see your Premier Advisor, Elon Musk, has cleverly managed to steer clear of that trap, being neither elected or approved by Congress, and now seemingly able to operate without any accountability. 

“I must say, I’m less convinced by the way you’ve set up your weekly audiences with Musk. Is it really appropriate for him to be doing the bulk of the talking, while you sit there silently in the Oval Office? I was also shocked that you let his toddler son come along, who at one point even told you to “shush”. You might want to have a stern word with your Chief of Staff, Susie Wiles, about that, and ask her to change the format – that is, if Musk will let you.   

“I do enjoy the dressing up part of being a Monarch – the crowns, orbs, sceptres, robes etc. It’s less fun being driven around in a golden carriage, as the suspension is simply dreadful. But the people expect it, so I suffer along. Please let me know if you would like me to recommend any good tailors or jewellers to run up a few royal geegaws for you and Queen Melania. (How funny, by the way, that Melania actually was once your consort…before you married her. We have so much in common! I also ditched the Consort title for Camilla, once I became King).   

“I thoroughly approve of your Vice President’s call for Europeans to embrace free speech. In the same spirit, we’ve lifted all restrictions against public demonstrations in the UK, including even when this infringes on private property, such as golf courses, or Tesla showrooms.  

“I also like the way you’ve just renamed places. My dear departed mother always had a bit of a soft spot for the State of Virginia, named after the first Queen Elizabeth, as I’m sure you know. As a tribute to her, I’ve asked our Royal Mapmaker to change the name of the State to “the Commonwealth of Britannia.”  

“I’m also going to recommend that the actual Commonwealth of former British colonies, of which I am head, accept Britannia as a new member, with me becoming its Head of State again. I’d love to be able to develop some of the property along its Atlantic coast as a retirement home for British citizens, along the lines of my first model village, Poundbury. We’d have to evict the current residents, of course, but presumably you’d have no problem with that, since that’s exactly what you’re proposing to do with the Palestinians in Gaza?  

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“There’s one awkward bilateral matter I have to raise with you – this wretched business to do with Diego Garcia. I know your advisors were a bit unhappy about the deal which Prime Minister Starmer  concluded with the Government of Mauritius. I must say, I feel pretty unhappy about it myself, given the huge amount of money we’ve apparently agreed to pay to continue access to the military base there. However, since your new defence policy appears to be to abandon allies, and no longer commit US troops to any foreign ventures, it has occurred to us that perhaps you no longer need the base. So, I have agreed to my Prime Minister’s request that we just give the territory to Mauritius without any conditions, in the process saving us money which can go into our NHS, or to build up our military – something you’ve been encouraging us to do for ages, so I know you’ll be pleased.  

“I also have a small personal request. We all have tricky family members (I certainly don’t envy you having to deal with your ghastly older sons, let alone their artificially inflated wives and girlfriends – who seriously could take some fashion advice from my lovely daughter in law, Kate). I wonder if there’s any chance you might be interested in taking Prince Andrew into your court. I had hoped Starmer might be persuaded to appoint him as the next British Ambassador, rather than that ghastly parvenue, Peter Mandelson. But, on second thoughts, I can see why Mandelson, with his shady record, might be just the person to get along with your team.  

“Prince Andrew might make a splendid governor of Canada, Greenland, or Panama, if you succeed in taking over any of these territories. If you agree to take Andrew, I promise to give you our full support in return. I think you’ll get on famously. I believe you have several friends in common. 

“Before we close. I hope you don’t mind if I offer a few friendly words of advice, as someone who’s been in this business a little longer than you. 

“First, it doesn’t do to be too ostentatious and flashy about one’s privileged status and wealth. It may be different in America, but I find the British people get a bit restive if we splash the bling about a bit too much – except on ceremonial occasions, when they are all in on the pomp and circumstance. 

“It does help to show a little bit of compassion and empathy for the poor, every now and then. Noblesse Oblige, and all that, what? 

“You might want to consider encouraging your followers to be a little less obsequious and fawning in your presence.  It can leave a bit of a bad taste. This also includes keeping down, or at least more discreetly out of sight, the number of members of your immediate family on the public purse. You don’t want to appear to be cashing in.  

“Finally, get yourself a good pen for signing all those Executive Orders. There’s nothing more infuriating than a leaky pen at important moments.  

“May Glory, Wisdom, and Happiness be yours, to the end of your Days.  

“Fond farewell and Salutations,  

“Your Royal Brother, Charles Rex (pronouns One/We) “