Today
Sun 25 July 2021

The Prime Minister has an ‘Australian Style’ litany of successes to celebrate in his first full year, as told to Otto English

What ho folks! Boris here, to wish you all a happy New Year, wow you all with some classical references and win you back much as Jack Black steals the heart of Kate Winslet in that wonderful festive film The Holiday

In January, I predicted that 2020 was going to be a fantastic year for Britain and how right I was. One began the year much like Sisyphus, condemned to push the rock of Brexit up and down Whitehall for all eternity – but we have ended it in the manner of Hercules, overcoming the Labours and slaying the nine-headed Hydra of Brussels. 

Our successes are legion. 

In industry and healthcare – our toilet paper, plane-painting, funeral, face mask and conspiracy theory sectors have all witnessed unprecedented growth in 2020 and more folks than ever are using our fantastic NHS! 

In transport, we have increased capacity, with considerably more space on our buses and trains. 

In education, enormous strides have been made. After decades of lefty teachers indoctrinating ‘kids’ with stuff about how ghastly the Empire was, more children now grasp important stuff like basic measurements up to a distance of two metres, while history students have enjoyed a year-long immersive ‘Blitz Spirit’ experience – with more to come in 2021! 

On Priti Patel’s watch, free movement has been ended and we have managed to extend it to include YOU!! Yes folks, in future you won’t have to waste needless hours travelling to Spain or Venice or eating ghastly French food and supping their wine. Instead, you will be able to enjoy beach holidays on the Costa Del North Sea or soak up the sights of the great canals of Watford while enjoying a glass of generic own brand cider from Lidl.  

People sometimes ask me “was Brexit actually worth it?” To which the answer is “yes of course – I’m Prime Minister!” But that’s not the only win. Thanks to our fantastic deal, in five to 10 years’ time, our brave fishermen will be able to catch 2.3% more fish in foreign-owned boats and sell them back to the French. 

The Remoaning naysayers also failed to take into account Liz Truss, the greatest International Trade Secretary of this decade! So far. 

Liz’s many successes include free trade agreements with Liechtenstein, Kosovo, the mighty Faroe Islands and the ‘Palestinian Authority’ that will all add literally pounds to some of our exports. Liz has also secured major wins for Vietnamese fishermen who can finally purchase a Bentley – tariff-free, without some Frenchman getting in the way. 

Our next move is to join the Trans Pacific Partnership Free Trade Area meaning an end to the menace of hundreds of billions of pounds of frictionless free trade with our neighbours, in favour of tiny deals with countries seven thousand miles away that will do nothing for our GDP!

Of course, the year has brought some challenges in the shape of the dreaded C word. Yes, I was deeply saddened to see Jeremy Corbyn go after everything he has done for us, only to be replaced by that ghastly man who asks a lot of questions. 

There was also the ghastliness with the whole dreadful ‘flu’ business. The constant fear of how the Sun‘s Harry Cole would spin it in our favour this time has been a challenge and even Harry couldn’t save the Domster, which was a very personal tragedy.  

As with millions of ordinary families we too have had our financial concerns. I took a massive pay cut to become PM and getting by on a working man’s salary of £158,000 has left us all worrying about how we will pay for Wilf’s Eton fees and indeed those of any other children who come popping out of the woodwork. 

In an effort to cheer everyone up, my adviser Chloe Westley suggested early on in the year that we rebrand everything ‘Australian’. 

“People in the UK love Kylie, Home and Away and Dame Edna”, she reasoned, and just the mention of the word seems to make them stop thinking about deprivation and death and start dreaming of warm beaches and Mick Dundee wrestling crocodiles instead. Initial roll-out was hugely effective at pulling the corked hats over people’s eyes and so in future everything will be Australian. 

The coming ‘Australian-style recession’, ‘Australian-style social depravation’ and ‘Australian-style mass unemployment’ will give us all a warm and fuzzy feeling. I know too that the Home Secretary is keen on the idea of an ‘Australian-style death penalty’ that will rid us of our worst offenders – but like all the best soaps we’ll have to sit on the edge of our seats to see if she manages it! Throw another innocent patsy on the barbie, Priti! 

Leaving the EU has given us other opportunities, not least, the chance to take back control of our democracy and, to that end, my Government has taken huge strides. No more are we to be ruled by unelected and unaccountable foreign politicians! Instead, I have appointed People’s Peers including Lady Claire Fox of Hypocrisy, Lady Kate of Hoey, Lord Botham of Beefy, Lord Daniel Hannan of Walter Mitty on the walk, Lord Evgeny Lebvedev of Moscow and Lord Jo Johnson of Nepotism to lead us back to greatness. Once I’ve found my filofax expect thousands more in the new year! 

Well, that’s all folks. As my New Year’s missive drags to its end, I would like to express my surprise and gratitude that you have all bought in! A wise man once said that you “can fool all the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time”. That chump clearly didn’t have the press barons on his side! 

Buller! Buller! Buller! 

Boris   


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